You are out with your man and a gorgeous woman walks by, he almost breaks his neck from following her with his eyes.
You find your man flipping through picture after picture of beautiful women on the internet while he barely notices your presence.
On the beach, you are walking hand in hand with your lover when you notice his eyes lingering on a beautiful woman’s shapely tanned body.
Before you start to get angry or feel betrayed and hurt, you may want to step back for a moment and take a better look at your man.
As frustrating as his ‘wandering eyes’ can be, there is a gift to them!
The key is to understand this natural masculine response to beauty and to take full advantage of it.
Why do his eyes wander?
Before accusing him of being unfaithful or just a plain outright pervert, you may want to peek into the motivator behind the action.
Testosterone.
We love this guy, don’t we?
In fact, testosterone is responsible for that feeling of desire and is the instigator behind our libido.
Without testosterone, there would be no sexual play, no attraction, just cuddles and snuggles, but not hot, burning lust.
Testosterone also is behind the sexy, strong muscles we love so much.
What about confidence?
Testosterone again! Self-confidence and assertiveness are enhanced with its presence.
And don’t we just love a confident man who knows what he wants?
Absolutely.
Yet the very same hormone is initiates sexual thoughts and fantasies and increases our desire for one-night stands and affairs, as it is quite fond of novelty.
Which is where the ‘other woman’ comes in.
The unknown beauty ramps up your mans testosterone levels and before you know it, his eyes are eating her alive.
The same happens within us, albeit at levels a little less intense then an man’s.
Now, testosterone has a buddy.
LHRH. In fact, it is LHRH that kick starts our man’s testosterone when a gorgeous woman shows up.
It also regulates testosterone levels in his body making sure that he is always ‘ready and willing’ when a woman is available.
Now here’s the catch:
Stress and the threat of danger can short-circuit this cyclical two-part harmony and shut down your man. The same is true for you.
Here’s the deal.
When a man’s has been in a relationship for a long time, there is often a loss of novelty, of excitement, and therefore, the loss of testosterone.
To make matters worse, the stress of life and feelings of being dominated or belittled dwindle a man’s testosterone levels.
In fact, one of the worst culprits of male castration has been the Feminist movement. Men no longer know how to be good men AND maintain their testosterone levels.
Have you castrated you man? Do you hang him ‘out by the balls’?
Men are remarkably sensitive creatures.
Testosterone, as potent and delicious as it can be, is also phenomenally delicate and easily disrupted by external causes.
As a man ages and perhaps gains a little weight, his testosterone levels go down. When he loses, at work or socially, his levels plummet.
The lower they are, the less drive he will have, both inside and outside of the bedroom
But there’s help.
By encouraging your man’s testosterone and LHRH levels.
How?
Before kicking his butt down to the local gym and getting him to pump iron, you may want to consider how powerful your influence actually is.
Rev his motor and ride his turn on!
Once you understand that you can play a part in creating a sexy, confident, and turned on man, you may find great joy in creating new ways to titillate your man.
Here are a few suggestions:
1. Point out hot women to him and let him know that his turn on is your turn on.
2. Send him texts or emails with images of gorgeous women (that you find beautiful too).
3. Write him an explicit fantasy of your own. Get wild in your story-telling and leave it on his desk-top for him to find.
4. If you are game, turn yourself on and record your own sounds of pleasure. Talk to him and let him know what you are doing. Send him the recording or leave it on his voice mail.
Men are both highly visual and auditory.
The more you surprise him this way, the more excited and delighted he will be. And the healthier his levels of testosterone will be.
Through gifting our man the freedom to respond to beauty, he will find a new sense of novelty within his relationship, finding us all the more attractive and desirable.
If it feels juicy to gain confidence and insight to delight in beauty and share its inspiration with your partner , click here to get started with my book: The Emergence of the Sensual Woman.
Paola
Have to agree with this 100% – nothing as sexy as pointing out beautiful girls to the guy im with! A turn on indeed!
Hebecca
Really? So, what happened as a result? What did you do, what did you notice about him afterwards..? How did you feel at first when it happened, during actually pointing hot women out, and later on?
Ev
Hi Saida,
. Is it a turn on for a man?
… woman’s eyes are wondering too
Saida
Yes, it can be! Again, our ability to enjoy beauty, delight in aliveness, and share our inspiration is what keeps the Erotic Nature of our intimate relationships alive.
An
great!!!!!!!! I love it!!!!! I love it how you write this: funny and so true!!! thanks a lot… I really like to try it, only feel fear that if i encourage him to be a sexy, healthy-testeron man, I wil lose him…
but still i am gonna try it…carefully:)
Saida
Exploring this consciously is part of keeping the ‘juice’ alive in your relationship. Having candid discussions about this is vital and can bring up things for both of you, but when shared in the light of keeping your connection alive, inspired, and exciting, then exploring this can be very enlivening. It must come from a genuine place within you… go slowly and act with full integrity to yourself.
Miss
Hai, i understand your point of view…..but what if the confdence leads to affairs with younger & other woman) because they now have the confidence to make their dreams (polygamie, younger woman) come true?
Saida
Aloha Miss,
The funny thing is this, when your man recognizes that you truly love his turn on, he often has less of a need to go elsewhere. But all of us do look at others, it is natural! How do you know it is your man’s dream to be with other women? This is such a rich discussion to have with your man… but again, as I said earlier to An, it is important to go at your own pace, something that feels delicious to you too! The bizarre thing is if we pretend this doesn’t exist or worse, we try to stop this from happening because we are afraid, we often create the very situation we fear. This is simply an invitation to look in the direction we are afraid to look and to make friends with it. Gentleness is key.
Clara
I totally agree!
I had read something similar in one of your writings and agreed with the concept, so I tried it with my boyfriend – the effects are just as you say!
Soetkin
There was a time that I only got irritated by men looking at me and whistling at me. Kind of ‘they only think about one thing’. Untill a -much older- friend told me that she had the feeling she has become invisible to men.
Now I enjoy men looking at me and to see in there faces ‘mmm yummy yummy’
Hebecca
So great to hear about the turnaround!
Astrid Maria
My point of view is the feminist movement is and was a necessary correction in a world that needs more feminine values. Castrated the male? Oh, please…
Belinda
I love it! thank you beautiful! always so inspiring to hear your fresh point of view. I must admit my heart sinks and I get really jealous when this happens. It is something I cannot control but now I know what to do next time. Mmm sounds juicy! big hugs to you sweat xxx
Saida
Yes Belinda, we definitely cannot control another person, but we can choose how we define the experience and therefore, how we live it. Notice as well if there is a time of the month when you feel more open and when you do not.
Kim Smith
Saida, I absolutely loved what you said, “we cannot control another person, but we can choose how we define the experience and therefore, how we live it.” I wrote that down and plan on hanging it up in my home. Very wise words to live by!
Naomi
Wow! all new to me…but willing to learn.
Phoenix
I get where you are going with this article, and I enjoy this type of play with my partner.
But this statement,”In fact, one of the worst culprits of male castration has been the Feminist movement.”
I guess I have to say that if me working for equal pay, the right to not be sexually harassed in my place of work, etc makes men not “know how to be a good man.” I am just going to have to learn to live with that consequence, because those are not rights I would give up.
Saida
Of course there were great and very important things that happened with the early Feminist movement, agreed. And sexual harassment is definitely not acceptable.
The backlash of men not knowing what is “okay” and what “isn’t okay”, questioning their nature as men, etc, as left many men depressed and without any lust for life.
Both men and women are on a beautiful journey of maturing both their sexual and their emotional nature. It is truly the only way we can create a world where the erotic aspect of who we are isn’t completely domesticated, tamed, or caged and is balanced with the deep conscience, insight and sensitivity of an emotionally mature person.
This article was intended to open the discussion about our love/hate relationship with certain aspects of human nature, to see if we can compassionately explore this edgy topic for the sake of loving our authentic nature and being willing to look deeper than skin deep.
Ev
I like your sharing Phoenix and Saida, thank you
. I do not think that anybody, woman or man, should have superior right over the other gander in social world. However in terms of sexual harassment at work place… I was born and lived substantial part of my life (in a very civilized country ), where, woman however were not protected from sexual harassment at work place by law, in fact woman were not protected in any special way at all (of course there were work ethics etc.). I’ve never seen situations with sexual content (relationship, affair, and flirting play) at the same work place without mutual interest and agreeing.
I like proverbs – words of wisdom. So here is one that I remember, to this topic, which sounds a bit urban way but speaks the truth to a tee (and by the way I’ve heard it from man): “If the bitch does not want the stud does not get on”.
I agree with Saida, that men are strip of aliveness or whatever it is and remind frozen fish here. I talked to men about this phenomenon and they are saying exactly that (briefly) – they were different before the law about harassment; they do not how to fit now, do not know how to be a man and not to be seen as a threat by default, by law.
I think total “vasectomization” does not serve a good purpose as well. Ever seen the difference in attitude between normal male dog and sterilized, besides chasing females? ….Same, they are … ALIVE.
Stephanie
What about pornography? Does this apply to that as well? Is it a bad thing that my guy needs to watch a certain amount of porn a week, even though we are plenty sexually active together? Does this mean I’m not enough? Help!
Saida
If your partner watches porn it doesn’t mean you are not enough. It means that the dopamine rush he gets from variety is intensely addictive. There are some great TED talk about porn and how it is harming our natural wildness.
It is less a matter of good and bad and again a matter of understanding how the brain chemistry works (in both men and women when it comes to porn) and then taking the steps to get off porn and get into exploring deep, passionate, erotically creative and alive intimacy together.
It is also a very tough addiction to quit, but it can be done. This is a worthy question and I may write an article to address this.
Stephanie
Thank you Saida. I have been struggling with my man’s porn addiction and any more advice or insight you might have into this very common issue would be so helpful. I look forward to hearing more and thank you for your wisdom around these tricky topics.
Saida
Aloha Stephanie,
Definitely watch this Ted talk.
It looks like an article on this would be valuable. Thank you for your feedback!
Stephanie
Thank you so much, Saida. I will definitely take a look at this and I really look forward to hearing more. The next step is sharing this with my guy in a gentle way- a whole other story! lots of blessings your way
Hebecca
Did you have a link to one of the TEDx talks on this we could check out?
Thanks!
Saida
Just click on these words: WATCH TED TALK
Dolores
So true. Thanks! We women need to recognize our femenine power and this is one way to recognize it and a way to keep love and intimacy alive.
ariane
Thank you so much for bringing this up,it is something I like to ignore,bury and leave festering,and yes I am castrating my man,for fear of not being able to handle him wanting other women,I find it difficult to accept that this is how it is and am longing to find peace with it,your suggestions scare me but I also feel you may be right!Very grateful!
Angela
This is scary stuff for me. But I have been digging into the conversation about desire with my husband. About the nature of mens’ love of women’s beauty. About the appreciation of women in all their diversity. I’ve got a husband that is learning how to express the desire that he feels in healthy ways (after having some not so healthy experimentation). I am trying to ride through the fear triggers and open myself up to explore this. As much as feminism is/was essential I am enjoying a redefining of what it means to be a woman of power, which includes embracing both the female and male nature of sexuality. Thanks for the article!
Penny
Wonderful Article, I understand your point about the feminist movement, I honestly believe in the power of being soft and feminine. We can’t match their power on their terms, it’s not who we’re meant to be, I believe we need to learn to own ours. Testing the waters with this, leading them with your love, knowing how far you, personally can take it, wow! You could potentially lead them away from you, but then, maybe that’s the path for that relationship or your learning. Being free of the fear of losing someone on those terms is so healthy for everyone though, I believe. You’re an angel.
Penny
……or just learning to work with that energy, celebrate it, rather than stifle it?
Ale
Dear Saída,
(You are lovely!)
Basically, you´re talking about open communication in relationship and I can´t think of anything more important. Yes! Let´s openly communicate our turn-on (on both sides – women get turned-on also – heck I get turned-on by handsome men but also by beautiful flowers blossoming on trees!) I don´t see how it can influence a person´s choice in polygamy, cheating or open-relationships because you´re sure not going to be able to “keep” your partner from such practices if s/he believes in them. However, open communication is always a win-win-win, even if it is difficult at times or makes us feel vulnerable.
PS. This morning we did the “Ignite Delight” practice in our woman´s circle, it brought great healing, on several levels. I was amazed that I did the practice and my painful menstrual cramps melted away almost immediately! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Xoxo,
Ale
Kelly La Sha
Hi Saida,
I am in a similar field of work with you. I have been following your work for awhile and truly appreciate your encouragement of women embracing their succulence. On this note however, I have a different experience of the practice of the Sacred Art of Love. Sacred Sexuality is just the beginning of the Art of Love and was designed to bridge us into the receiving and giving of the Divine Blessings of being incarnate. It is also a conscious way of giving incarnate souls an energetic reminder of the deep satiating experience of Divine Love. I believe that it is our responsibility to fully remember the purpose of our practice so that we have more to offer to help create a bridge from the indoctrinations of our wounded culture to a deeper experience of soul satiation.
I have found that for two Lovers to truly embrace, there needs to be a deep level of trust. My partner and I have found that when we hold our sexual energy and attraction for each other, our union is deeper and is less diluted by the energy of others… via fantasy and distractions. Our chemistry together intensifies as a result and our love goes deeper.
To suggest that women encourage their men to allow the addictive distractions that weaken their bond could be a weak link to the work of the Sacred Feminine. All women deserve to be adored by their men. In indigenous cultures the men were taught to avert their eyes so they could hold their adoring eyes for their woman. The woman in return is satiated, safe, and fulfilled so that she has the energy to fill the tribe with the Sacred Feminine that provides the nurturing and loving energy that we all need… and have been without since.
Move love and appreciation to you sister!
Saida
Aloha Kelly,
Fantastic to meet you and to read your words here. They have certainly stimulated me!!
I want to be part of co-creating a new world, one where men and women honor and respect each other and their differences, one where our deep heart and innate erotic nature are seen as a natural, integrated part of life, one where sexuality is no longer a commodity, but something to value and to consciously cultivate and mature.
That said, is it true adoration when it comes from a place where it is a ‘behavior demanded from society’?
It would seem that true adoration is an organic result of our partner feeling seen and loved in their totality (including their response to beauty) and isn’t because it’s ‘expected of them’?
What would it be like to fully trust our own erotic and emotional intelligence and therefore naturally extend that trust towards another person? And in this type of relationship of deep trust, what would it be like to then authentically connect without having to set limitations? Where connection is based on revealing all of ourselves versus shying away or creating false constructs of ‘safety’ or ‘sacredness’?
I’m curious which indigenous culture do you speak of? In some native traditions, if a woman lost her husband in battle, it was natural and expected that her sister would ‘lend her her husband’ so she would remain healthy.
I also like to peek at a living matriarchal society (The Mosuo in China) where women clearly have sexual freedom. These ‘paired’ women often do not live with their formal husbands, are free to take new lovers when they want and it is commonly acceptable that they do.
Are the women in either of these examples any less Sacred in their Feminine?
For me, the Sacred Feminine is not an external construct or series of rituals, it is the true living embodiment that each woman claims for herself. For some women, it will be celibacy and a life devoted to the Divine, for some it will be one partner and raising children, for others it will be having several lovers, and for others it will include same-sex partnership.
This is because the Sacred Feminine isn’t determined by external circumstances, but by an internal alignment to our deep, living wisdom.
In fact, I sense that as we come into our full power as erotically aligned and alive women, we will no longer need to create fear-based limitations in our relationships. When we focus so strongly on ‘safety’, we naturally cultivate its opposite. This article is an invitation to look head-on at our fears (mainly that our partner will find another woman attractive). Perhaps we can spend time looking at the questions:
If my partner is finds another woman attractive, yet still chooses me, what of this?
Why do I need my partner to ignore all the beauty in the world in order for me to feel beautiful, seen and safe?
What is it that I really need when I am afraid and controlling? Can I give this to myself?
If my relationship isn’t one of deep trust, why am I in it?
Is there a time of the month where I am more sensitive to this and can I communicate lovingly my need for attention?
Thank you Kelly for such a rich discussion!!!
Here’s to birthing a new vision of Sacred Humanity, one where all of it all is seen as Sacred, including what we label as Feminine and as Masculine.
Ev
I love it, thank you!!!
Rebecca
Wow…. This is something I have always done as I often notice beautiful women before men do… I often wondered if a was doing myself a disservice…. seems not… thanks for validating my urges
Janice Mark
All very stimulating conversation and revealing discussion! I feel that it all condenses down to two factors – besides the hormonal stimulators, is the wanting and action being driven by fear-based ego for personal gratification OR is it being driven by our beautiful being from luminous love? I choose the latter!
Monique
I don’t know about this one. I love the idea of using our beauty to entice testosterone and to get men to give more love to their women, but I am not down with pointing out beautiful women to my man. I don’t mind a wandering eye if the relationship is solid, but I’d rather make myself as hot as possible to turn him on than encouraging him to engage in a fantasy about another woman.